Pride

"Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you." -Marilyn Monroe

I've done a lot with my life. When I say a lot I mean at 20:

 I've lived one my own for almost 2 year (ill admit there have been a couple of months i lived at home like now)

I've graduated college with my associates and THEN got my high school diploma which i graduated with high honors

I've put quit a bit of community service

My first experience with modeling was fashion week.

Then i moved to paris to model.

then miami.

This is the short list of the major accomplishments. I've been in so many clubs and societies it's not normal. I've gotten quite a few awards. All through this you start to realize people aren't nice. I mean there are exceptions (*cough mother freaking theresa cough*) but for the most part people want to see you fail. I don't get this. Why can't people just be happy for you? It's not like I'm not willing to help out my friends. Ya I'll network for you. Ya ill invest my time money and effort in you. for what? to turn around and here that you've been talking crap about me? 

my first experience with this is when i first got home from new york. i heard that two of my friends from my senior year were talking crap about me. i am not a blunt person. i will tip toe around things and when im sure then i get blunt. So i tip toed around it and one friend was denying it up and down the wall, so what does one do? well most people would say your a jealous backstabbing lying bitch, but as most of my friends know i am pretty easy to work with and give everyone the benefit of doubt to the point where it screws me over. so i was having drinks with the other friend in this story. she is blunt and painfully honest and i thank her for that. i straight out asked her if they had been talking crap about me while i was gone. she was as she has always been painfully honest. i went home and bawled. the next day i went and hung out with the first friend and brought a back up friend for support. this girl straight up lied to my face. i dont understand how people do that. look another human being in the eye and straight up lie. its disgusting.

anyways you'd think i had learned my lesson but like i said i give people the benefit of doubt til it screws me over. so here comes douche bag girlfriends birthday. the year before we had this awesome party and laughed and had this amazing time so i figured round two here we go. wrong. i kid you not, she invited me then said well bitchface is going to be there. i told her i understood that and that it was her birthday and i wouldnt start things with this trashy girl plus we had supposedly raised a white flag. so this supposed friend texts me fifteen minutes later and uninvites me because she didn't think bitchface would misbehave and said we can go clubbing the next night to celebrate like we did after the party the year before. i was devastated and hurt. i was upset all week and finally my dad asked why. when i explained the situation he looked at me like i was crazy. and said something to the effect of "Kim i was so proud of you when you stopped being friends with "bitchface" (obviously my dad doesn't call her that but were not going to use names in this story). it took a lot of courage to realize how selfish and poisonous she is. i didnt realize this until kelly came home from being on trek with her. I don't understand why you still let people treat you like that. this girl obviously has no respect for you. you shouldn't even bother wasting your time."

 i sat there shocked. he was right. he was so right. it disgusts me how right he was. this girl was NEVER my friend. ya she would pick me over bitchface in high school to go to lunch. ya she would talk all this shit about bitchface. but when it came down to it... this girl had no spine. she doesn't defend me. infact after i stopped talking to her. her and bitchface thought  it would be soooooo funny to tell my boyfriend i was cheating on him. 

they point of this is. i realize now how jealous she was of me. she was signed with some nobody talent agency in utah and i was traveling with mine. she tried to demean all of my accomplishments and she never had a nice word to say about me to others. ive had a lot of people treat me like that. a lot of people think ive gotten everything i have and want because i am pretty and it was given to me. or because i was smart and screwed people over. even worse some people think daddy gave it too me. no. i have gotten everything i have and i am getting everything i want because I put the time and the effort. ya every once in a while my dad helps me out. ya sometimes i get things just because of how i look. and ya i've gotten things because i was able to think through it. but the dont just hand out degrees (well maybe weber does lets face it that school is a joke on soooooooooo many levels) ya modeling is not something you just get. you have to be chosen but you also have to be willing to work out and eat right and work extremely crazy hours and under really stressful and odd circumstances. living on my own was with MY money no one helped me.

so if you can't tell ya i get upset when these nobodies who don't know me, just know of me (like people from high school. really guys we had ONE class that doesn't mean you know me), come and try to demean all of my accomplishments. It's really infuriating when some trashy girl who barely graduated high school and is just waiting for some boy- ANY BOY to support her butt in exchange for popping out a couple of his brats tries to talk down what ive done because what shes doing is not something to be proud of. ya ive got big hips honey but guess what? you were the one living in ur parents house still in utah while i was living in new york. so ya i love my hips. i love my life. i love the fact that i am brave enough to put myself out there to accomplish my dreams. so i hope you enjoy living in ur parents white trash home. ya i travel a lot so i dont really have a steady boyfriend honey and ya you can talk about my sex life all you want because guess what? atleast im not out buying plan b every night. the boys i date have to respect me. and if they cant handle a long distance relationship its their lose. and yep hun i did miss out on an awful lot of dances and social functions in high school but guess what else? i didnt have to go back my last year of high school. and trust me i didnt but i understood that i could go to college for a lot cheaper as a high school student. i also passed the honors health class infact i managed to get my teacher to change my B+ to an A because i can negotiate where as you couldnt get the lesbian gym teacher to raise your grade in regular health so you had to change it to pass/fail to keep your gpa up to stay on the cheer squad. And ya, i maybe too nice and i may not demand much of my friends like you girls do. but just remember who you wrote that essay about someone who is a good listener our jr year and how i defended you people for the entirety of our friendship. ya girl i still talk to my ex but i would never ask him to leave you for me. infact im pretty sure i asked him if he was dating you and which he flat out denied and yet i still told him i didnt want to get involved in that mess. ya im working at a preschool right now. where as you have some job at a company youve been with since high school. I actually enjoy my job and helping these kids. and yes i didn't do so hot at the u but i did have a hell of a time. can you say that? that you have put your heat into every relationship, every assignment, every dollar that you've earned? because at the end of the day, ive accomplished everything ive ever set out to do, which is a hell of a lot more than you will EVER do with your entire life. so stop trying to tear me down. you're just making yourself look stupid.

sorry about the ranting but someone had to say it. grow a spine and say it to my face. ill respect you a lot more. better yet lets all stop tearing people down. 

xoxo <3 -K

Mean - Taylor Swift - Taylor Swift Videos

Cinderella had her Glass Slipper...

I have 30 pairs of shoes. Basketball, cross trainers, cheer, running, boots, heels, cleats, flats, flip flops this list goes on and on and on. I never realized how many shoes I had til I was cleaning out my closet. I have way too many. The thing about shoes is they kind of define me. Not that my shoes say who I am, but they help make up my mind set (sorta like music). I first noticed this last night when I was getting ready for my run. I always walk around in shorts and a tank top, but as soon as I pulled out my running shoes my dog flipped. She did her I'm so excited I my pee myself dance. She knows that when I put those shoes on I'm going to grab her lease and my iPod and were going to go to the park and run until I feel like I'm going to die. Even my dog recognizes this mind set. When I put on certain shoes I have a job I've gotta do. I think this started with my soccer cleats. I used to be a beast whenever I put them on. "no pain no gain" was my motto and I meant it. Then I got a different mind set with my riding boots. As soon as they were on I was there to ride. Flip flops are my favorite. I sometimes feel like I'm going to work but most of the time it's my I'm ready to have fun go to shoe. Heels are a new addition. During the past two years I have learned how to really walk in heels. Now I can't even put a pair on without feeling like I'm running to a casting or a shoot or down a run way. I what I'm trying to say is that if I put on a certain pair of shoes there is usually a reason behind it. That and I need to clean out my closet....

a house is not a home...

you know that completely empty feeling? we experienced it a lot when we were teenagers. like no one can possibly ever understand how you feel and the worst part is no one cares. you feel so alone. we went to my old layton house. my parents have finally sold it, so we were getting whatever odd things that had been left behind. walking from the garage into the laundry room was excruciatingly painful. I walked through and i just expected my old dog nibs to be bouncing up and down there excited to see us home like she always has for the past ten years, but that wasnt going to happen. she died from cancer just before i started school and no ones lived in that house in almost two years. sometimes i wish i could go back in time to when i did live there. obviously not the last year i lived there because that was just about as bad, but maybe my jr year. back before all the drama. back when i knew exactly what i wanted. i'm such a homebody it's not funny. it takes so much effort to leave the house and it honestly leaves me anxious. which is probably why everyone says im awkward ha i was content to sit at home and read books about people going out and doing great things or to listen to what my friends had done and with whom over the weekend. suddenly i was that person i read about. suddenly i was out in the world without warning. new york and paris all happened so fast. all my friends seemed to fade out of my life, some by choice. i never really had anyone to support me. i hate to say it but i felt like none of my friends looked at me as an equal. boys acted differently. my family dynamics changed. everything. nothing could stay the same. but isn't that how its supposed to go? you graduate and do different things? go separate ways? i feel like everything is constantly changing now. its all changing too fast for me to keep up with. maybe thats my own fault tho. constantly leaving to go work puts a strain on everything regardless of people might tell you. no boyfriend sticks around when he knows you're going to be gone two, three months maybe years... its even worse when you have decided to stay home. you hear everything that your friends were saying behind your back. all the girls those boyfriends stayed out with. how you disappoint your family. its so much to deal with. you loose everything. and it sucks. it sucks not having anyone to call while your waiting at the hospital or when the cops are questioning you. it sucks not hearing from anyone that said we'd be friends forever or that he'd never leave. it sucks living in an area where you can feel everyone watching you and talking about how you're not a member. it sucks going to a job that you realize you hate. the first two months of being home sucked. hands down. fly home on valentines day to spend it with my new dog on her birthday is kind of pathetic.

 the past two weeks tho have shown me something. i am in control of how i feel. no one can make me feel crumby. so what they talk crap? they aren't very nice people and i dont need them around. so what he couldn't take the pressure of long distance? i need a stronger guy. so what if my family doesn't like all my decisions? its my life to live. life has bit me and i have every intention of biting back. when i saw how my old room was painted over and new carpet i realized this wasn't my home and im not that girl anymore. i just might like to visit from time to time.

xoxo <3 -K

Dancing Queen

Dances are a girls right of passage. Every little girl can't wait to put on that brightly colored over beaded sparkily dress. Even the girls that say they don't secretly do. I always did. Sadly my dating life in high school was pathetic. I had never been asked out until I was 17 and a Jr. in high school. Even then it wasn't til a long while after he asked that we actually went. (which I wasn't complaining I had a huge crush on him and he was super popular) And to that last statement no I did not wait around for him to call/text/bring it up. I did my homework, hung out with friends, and whatever else it was that took up all my time. I'm not going to complain about my dating life because believe it or not I wasn't too upset about the fact that boys didn't ask me out. I was really focused on school. I eventually ended up graduating with my associates along with a caboodle load of other academic achievements that I am actually pretty proud of. That doesn't mean that when dances came around I wasn't an insecure girl who just wanted to put on a poofy dress. Alas I didn't get my chance until the end of my Jr. year to do that at another schools prom. Typical, the guy didn't ask me til a week before the dance was supposed to happen so that meant:

1)No nail appointments were open

2)No hair appointments were open

3)No where had a brightly colored over beaded sparkily dress in my size or that I liked

I had no idea what I was doing since I had never been to one before. This made me panic. I should have just told him no and that if he had really wanted to take me he could have asked me a while back, but hormones have a huge effect on a girl when she is crushing. We went on the day date and I managed to keep myself together. Then I had to run. I managed to borrow a dress from a friend (which ended up being a big mistake) another friend stepped in and did my hair (since I am COMPLETELY clueless when it comes to styling hair). He had asked after the day date if 6 would work to pick me up. I told him  it probably wouldn't but he showed up anyways and had to spend a half hour talking to me dad (that ended up being super bad too). So I ran down stairs frazzled and what not. I could have killed him putting on the buttoneer. I did have fun and whatever.

The next time I got asked it was a bit of an improvement. I got asked by my best friend a week and a HALF before homecoming, but since we were going as friends with friends and I had done the rush thing I wasn't half as worried and ended up having an amazing time with my besties :)

I went to harvest last minute and that ended up being a dramatic evening with everyone and their mom crying.

I didn't get asked to another dance for quite a while but I did crash another friends decade dance which was epic to say the least (this included my infamous nap on the dance floor which I still get crap about to this day)

Finally, a boy asked me to my Sr. prom and gave me ample time to get ready. He was an exemplary date to say the least and I had an amazing time with him and this stress free day!

I crashed another one of my besties dances...

I went to my Sr. ball with my best friend again this time as his gf (gah that was a week long disaster!!! haha a lot of lessons RE-learned)

I even made it home from new york in time to go to weber states homecoming dance with my boyfriend (not shown here)

Looking back I managed to go to a LOT of dances in such a short period of time. It's weird that yesterday I was doing my little sisters makeup and lacing her up in my dress for her Sr. Prom. craziness! I feel so old. I guess the moral of this story is when asking a girl give her ample time to get things together and girls don't accept last minute date plans they aren't worth it! but mostly it was just an excuse for me to reminisce ha even though my sister and I aren't currently on the greatest terms I do have to say she did look pretty darn good

xoxo <3 -K

ScarS

Today was loooooong. Gah I could not focus for the life of me. My mind was moving a million miles an hour, but the time would not go by fast enough! Anywho so I've realized I don't have any pictures since my face got rearranged... it wasn't really but I have this scar on my lip and I'm really embarrassed about it (yet here I am blogging about it) It has a long story behind it and its obviously not good. Point of it is that everytime someone asks me what happen my heart starts pounding and my head starts spinning. I just tell everyone the half truth. Can of Hairspray=1 Kim=0 I tell a half truth because I SUCK at lying. I always get caught within seconds of the words leaving my lips and if I'm lucky enough to get away with it I forget what I said and get caught later. Half truths are good because I can remember them. 

Anyways I absolutely hate this scar. It's an awful battle wound that brings back memories whenever I look in the mirror. that sucks hard core. Next its my face and I've never had a problem with my face. I've always liked it enough that I would never want to change anything about it and here it is altered. Next it doesn't feel the same. It was a through and through cut and it actually ended up cutting up my gums and they were worried about my canine tooth. So when I went to to the ER I got 12 stitches. 6 to sew my pucker muscle back together and 6 to put the edges of my skin back together. Yay... So anyways they were super worried I wouldn't be able to pucker and for a long time I couldn't (which sucks when one is drinking, slurping, eating just about anything not solid, and brushing your teeth) I finally was able to start doing that about 2 and a half weeks later which I was uber happy about. It hurt like a beast but I really don't want to kissing to be awkward so I definitely worked that muscle quite a bit to get it back in shape. Now theres just a lump of scar tissue which sucks and the nerves aren't all healed so if I eat with a spoon it'll hurt and kissing makes it go numb like how when your foot goes to sleep which for me isn't a great feeling. In fact it kinda hurts. I haven't worked up the courage to tell a boy I've been dating that I really really really don't like kissing because of this sensation. I know I should just man up and do it, but I'm so afraid it will hurt his feelings. 

But the point of this post was I am embarrassed about this so so much. So all you jerks out there stop pointing it out and keep pushing for details about it after I give you my lame excuse. Also I'm going to start embracing that this is my face. I love my face (not as much as before but ill get there and I like it well enough for now) 

Ok this is totally unrelated, but once I have my heart set on something I get really excited about it. I totally want to go to Thailand the summer before I start grad school and work with elephants! I think this is the most exciting thing ever! Just saying so you all know :)

xoxo <3 -K

The Story of "Us"

Sorry bout the late posting! Yesterday I just got busy... Hm what to say. what to say. I have been pretty darn good lately. Like I said super busy which is the best way to be! Looking at apartments. Works been good. Playing with my puppy loads and loads. This break from facebook has been really really good! Suddenly I have all this free time. It's weird I would come home and just jump on my computer now I have time to actually do things. Not going to lie I have cheated a bit on the texting tho... They are TOTALLY legitimate excuses tho! a friend thats leaving (boo), a friend I just barely made (but should have been friends with since forever), and a friend I'm hopefully going to move in with (keeping my fingers crossed). The last two I have had some pretty great conversations with lately. 

C and I were talking. Why are men such whores? Only women seem to see it. Why is it alright for you to date every girl on the block, but I can't date that many boys? I mean really your excuse is you are looking for the right girl to marry or you aren't ready to settle down... neither of these make any sense what so ever and if I used those excuses I would be labeled loose and a whore. I feel that this is totally unjust. I can date what ever boy I want and as many as I want. When I say date I don't mean an exclusive relationship. I mean we go out into public and he pays for my meal/movie/ticket/skates/parachute/etc./etc. When I am talking about an exclusive relationship you will hear me say have a relationship or refer to him as my boyfriend (which at this time I don't see any problem with me having multiple boyfriends... I'm just saying if I wanted. I wouldn't ever want this cause contrary to what boys think YOU are actually MORE work so why would I want to have to deal with that X's 2) I'm just saying it's only fair. You guys do it all the time and BRAG about it. I just wish that we were on a level playing field you know? 

D and I were texting and I've always thought this, but it was soooooo nice having someone who knew what I was talking about. These days there is no such thing as casual dating. Either you're in it to get married or in it too screw. Why can't there be a middle ground? Why can't boys be gentlemen and stop being horndogs? (cause lets face it that's one of the major factors in why they ask a girl to marry them... they want in her pants especially RMs) I'm just saying a little courtesy would be nice. I think I deserve that much. I mean I'm honest and up front. I don't want a committed relationship right off the bat. It's going to take time to earn my trust. At the same time I am not going to hop in bed with you. I am not in any position emotional, physically, spiritually, financially, or what ever to be committing to taking care of every wish of some boy. And boys don't say girls don't take care of you. We get the crappy end of the stick in relationships. You want to carry on the family name, but were the ones throwing up and fat for 9 months (sometimes longer on both accounts) THEN expected to give up our lives to stay home and raise your brat, that you don't want to deal with after you've been at work... huh. Not to mention taking of you when you're sick when you need someone to pay the bills while your in school or what ever the trend is these days. Not for me. I'm 20. I can be selfish right now because as soon as I slip on that shiny expensive rock I'm entering into the last legal form of slavery. So yes I want to be selfish for as long as possible. I'm just not ready to be considering (which is what it really should be) how my decision will effect my partner or *gasp* kids. (which I doubt I will ever want)

And please don't think I'm against marriage. One of my best friends just got engaged and I couldn't be happier for me (I think I am almost as excited as she is). I just despise the fact that like what 50% of our countries marriages fail. I feel like this is a huge commitment that people don't take seriously. I don't understand how people can get married when they barely know the other person. I think people also need to get a back bone and try harder to work things out especially if there are kids involved. I mean people fight all the time I'm sure back in the 50's not every couple was happy all the time, but they made it work. (I also realize that women were deprived of privileges like pants and leaving the kitchen. I firmly stand by the statement that women live longer than men because knives are kept in the kitchen.) I also think men need to grow a set and stop being intimidated by a woman who is your equal. I mean really. Marriage should be a partnership not master-servent crap. And yes I do eventually hope to get married some day far enough down the road that I have a degree, a great paying job, and a man who will treat me as an equal, stay loyal, and above all else just love me for being the crazy, sarcastic, awkward person that I am.

I once posted something like this:

"Sometimes you need to forget what you want, and remember what you deserve."

This has been what my cleanse is about. There are all these things, places, and people that I WANT in my life, but when it comes down to it... they aren't worth even a second thought. They are draining and negative. Ya I loved living here or being with  him or having this, but spending time missing it, or spending time hating it, or just spending time thinking about how it used to be... is a HUGE waste of my time and my effort. I've finished that book that I posted about last time. I've known all along that I am special and need to be treated as such, but I needed to be reminded of what exactly being treated special means. Take me as I am or I AM LEAVING YOU. You might think you are in control and that you are the one who decides whether you want to be with/around me... but in all honesty you don't. I decide who I want to spend my time with. Every girl needs to understand this concept. boys are toys (sorry no offense) they are pretty to look at and nice to have, but I don't need them. 

Sorry for such a long post ragging on guys. I actually really really really like guys. a lot. I would rather hang out with a guy over a girl any day. You guys are pretty easy to get along with when we aren't talking relationships. I feel really relieved to have gotten that off my chest. haha call me a man hater or a feminist. I still want the door opened for me. I want him to ask me on a date and in all reality I've learned to like dresses. I have 20 some odd dresses in my closet right now... It kinda makes me feel like Taylor Swift. Oh my goodness she writes songs about guys that are jerks. haha kidding kidding well I hope you all have a good night (regardless of gender!)

xoxo <3 -K

Here Comes The Sun... Doon Do Do

Relief haha I finished both parts of my state certification test today yay! party time to say the least :) I'm feeling pretty good about it. Not only did work go by quickly, but when I came out from taking my tests there was nothing, but sun to be seen! I am pretty pleased with how everything is going. I got all the things today for the real cleanse. Right now I'm easing into it. Nothing but soup today which isn't bad because it was raining earlier. 

Anywho, So if you came to my blog because of my facebook post (which i really don't see any other reason as to why you would come here) you know that I am NOT reading eat pray love during my cleanse. I don't think that reading about a woman who is older than me and in a completely different life stage that me (I mean I haven't even been married let alone gone through divorce) could help me right now. I did however find a book that I feel is perfect...

Why men love bitches

That's right. This will be the book that changes my life haha ok ok I know that this looks awful! But at my last shift at the gateway Jess was telling me about this book that is so great and gave her so much insight into dating. I've gotta say I follow Jess' advice a little too seriously... I mean she told me to add color to my wardrobe and surprise surprise I'm looking at my closet and there are a lot of new brightly colored clothes in there. I didn't just follow Jess' advice Abby blogged about it. God knows if Abby blogged about it it has to be true. haha In all seriousness I do love her blog and I do agree with everything she says including this book. I just barely started it and I can already feel the inner B*tch breaking free. and that word does not mean what you think it means (at least in regards to this book) anywho I also picked up some light reading as well (Cosmo)

I know again I know. What can I say I'm addicted to flipping through its glossy pages as much as I hate to say it. I need to just subscribe... I mean really $4 a pop 12 times a year that $48 bucks right there and to subscribe its like what? $16 Ridiculous... I'm going to keep this economy afloat with my awful spending habits. Oh well :) I'm happy.

xoxo <3 -K