you know that completely empty feeling? we experienced it a lot when we were teenagers. like no one can possibly ever understand how you feel and the worst part is no one cares. you feel so alone. we went to my old layton house. my parents have finally sold it, so we were getting whatever odd things that had been left behind. walking from the garage into the laundry room was excruciatingly painful. I walked through and i just expected my old dog nibs to be bouncing up and down there excited to see us home like she always has for the past ten years, but that wasnt going to happen. she died from cancer just before i started school and no ones lived in that house in almost two years. sometimes i wish i could go back in time to when i did live there. obviously not the last year i lived there because that was just about as bad, but maybe my jr year. back before all the drama. back when i knew exactly what i wanted. i'm such a homebody it's not funny. it takes so much effort to leave the house and it honestly leaves me anxious. which is probably why everyone says im awkward ha i was content to sit at home and read books about people going out and doing great things or to listen to what my friends had done and with whom over the weekend. suddenly i was that person i read about. suddenly i was out in the world without warning. new york and paris all happened so fast. all my friends seemed to fade out of my life, some by choice. i never really had anyone to support me. i hate to say it but i felt like none of my friends looked at me as an equal. boys acted differently. my family dynamics changed. everything. nothing could stay the same. but isn't that how its supposed to go? you graduate and do different things? go separate ways? i feel like everything is constantly changing now. its all changing too fast for me to keep up with. maybe thats my own fault tho. constantly leaving to go work puts a strain on everything regardless of people might tell you. no boyfriend sticks around when he knows you're going to be gone two, three months maybe years... its even worse when you have decided to stay home. you hear everything that your friends were saying behind your back. all the girls those boyfriends stayed out with. how you disappoint your family. its so much to deal with. you loose everything. and it sucks. it sucks not having anyone to call while your waiting at the hospital or when the cops are questioning you. it sucks not hearing from anyone that said we'd be friends forever or that he'd never leave. it sucks living in an area where you can feel everyone watching you and talking about how you're not a member. it sucks going to a job that you realize you hate. the first two months of being home sucked. hands down. fly home on valentines day to spend it with my new dog on her birthday is kind of pathetic.
the past two weeks tho have shown me something. i am in control of how i feel. no one can make me feel crumby. so what they talk crap? they aren't very nice people and i dont need them around. so what he couldn't take the pressure of long distance? i need a stronger guy. so what if my family doesn't like all my decisions? its my life to live. life has bit me and i have every intention of biting back. when i saw how my old room was painted over and new carpet i realized this wasn't my home and im not that girl anymore. i just might like to visit from time to time.
xoxo <3 -K
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